Title: Near Heaven

Author: Danielle Wilson

Rated:PG 13

Spoilers: The X-Files Movie

Keywords: Mulder/Scully UST.

Summary: How Mulder deals with the events of the movie.

Disclaimer: No matter how many birthday candles I blow out or wish lists I write they still aren=t mine. So until Santa comes I don=t own =em. Chris Carter, 1013 Productions and Fox do. No copyright infringement intended.

Dedications: I want to dedicate this to a friend of mine who is going through a rough time right now. I=m here for you always.

Author=s Note: OK, so this story is just a little something I wrote when I should have been working on my actual writing. In my universe Mulder and Scully are assigned to the X-Files when they are reopened at the end of the movie. Anyway, if you are one of the 3 people in the world who haven=t seen the movie then you probably shouldn=t read this unless you want to be spoiled. The quotes from the movie might be a little messed up. I am doing this from memory. Of course with as many times as I=ve seen the movie it shouldn=t be that hard. LOL. Enjoy! Oh yeah, and if you are a Noromo then this might not be the best story for you, of course if you sat through the movie without squirming in the shippy parts then I can=t see how this will bother you. So on with the story!

Near Heaven

by Danielle Wilson

What does it feel like to be so close to heaven you feel like your feet are no longer on the ground, but you know you=re still alive because your heart has never beat this loud or this fast in your life? It feels like...heaven. Pure and simple. It feels like nothing on earth ever could or at least nothing on earth that you could imagine. Pure, that is the perfect word to describe it. Perfectly sincere in it=s innocence. Pure describes that moment perfectly, but how strange that I would choose the word simple to describe it as well. Simple is the last thing it is. Five hard years are the opposite of simple but they are pure too. What we have is untainted by everything else that has jaded my life. They were hard and they were complicated but they were absolutely natural in every way. What happened, what developed from those 5 years is a trust, a bond, unshakable by the even the strongest storms.

This is my truth, my elusive truth. I could search forever with her and never find the truth of Samantha=s abduction, the truth of alien life, the god awful truth of the Consortium, but I will be damned if I lose this truth. That is why I couldn=t let it go. I couldn=t do what she did. How she did it will always be a mystery to me. Even if I could I=m not sure that I would. After you=ve been so close to heaven that you can reach out and touch an angel, how can you turn back? You can=t. At least I can=t. I won=t. I didn=t. I suppose I should start at the beginning.

As soon as I saw her face I knew something was wrong. Not only was she obviously upset but she was trying to hide it from me. She had a wall up, one of her many. Not that I don=t have a few (ok, more than a few) walls of my own. Her face was sad but hard, like she had decided not to let this get to her. And God knows when Dana Scully decides something it will damn well happen. Most of the time. Her beautiful azure eyes were tired and with a guilty acknowledgement I knew it was my fault.

AScully, what=s wrong?@ My voice betrayed my concern. I tried not to let it betray my fear. My fear was like an evil demon that was growing un-naturally in the pit of my stomach at the thought of being without her.

ASalt Lake City, Utah. Transfer effective immediately.@ Weariness weighed her words down and on my soul. This is not happening, were among the jumbled thoughts running through my head. My mind was spinning in the worst way.

The next few minutes are jumbled in my mind. Perhaps I was in shock. Her words hurt me but I was even more aware of how they were hurting her.

AI already gave Skinner my resignation letter.@

AYou can=t quit now, Scully.@ I was begging her to stay.

AI can. I have. I debated whether or not to even tell you in person, because I knew-@ Her wounded voice was asking me to let her go but I couldn=t. How was I supposed to let her go? I have always been selfish. Why should that change now?

AWe=re close to something here,@ I took a step towards her. AWe=re on the verge-@

AYou=re on the verge, Mulder. Please don=t do this to me.@ I don=t think her voice has ever been that distant from me. God, it was like she actually believed it.

AAfter what you saw last night, after all you=ve seen, Scully-You can=t just walk away.@

AI can. I did. It=s done.@

AI need you on this, Scully.@ What I really meant was that I needed her. I needed her with every part of my soul. I still do. I couldn=t, I can=t survive without her. She is my life source.

AYou don=t, Mulder. You=ve never needed me. I=ve just held you back.@ I felt physical pain with that statement. I really did. And the worst part was that no matter how bad I felt I knew she had to feel worse. Oh God, she had actually believed what she was saying. AI have to go.@ And with that she turned and began to walk out. Dana Scully was walking out of my life. I would not-could not just stand there and let it happen. I needed her, damn it and I needed to tell her. I walked out after her quickly to catch up.

AYou want to tell yourself that so you can quit with a clean conscience you can. But you=re wrong.@I prayed she could hear the resolve in my voice. I was not letting her walk away from me without saying this and damn me if she left anyway.

AWhy was I assigned to you in the first place, Mulder? To debunk your work. To reign you in. To shut you down.@

ABut you saved me.@ I put my hands gently on her shoulders. And thank God she let me. I needed to touch her then. Just needed to feel her, be close to her. I needed it like I have never needed anything before in my life. AAs difficult and frustrating as it=s been sometimes, your goddamn strict rationalism and science have saved me a thousand times over. You=ve kept me honest. You=ve made me a whole person. I owe you everything, Scully, and you owe me nothing.@ I stopped for a minute and looked her in the eyes. My soul ached for her then, like it had ached for her a minute ago. My voice was low when I went on. AI don=t know if I want to do this alone. I don=t even know if I can. And if I quit now, they win....@

My soul was still speaking after I had stopped. She came towards me. There were tears in her eyes. I took her in my arms and held her tightly. I never wanted to let her go. It was not the first time I held her and I knew it wouldn=t be the last, but I have never before in my life felt so complete. I had told her that she made me a whole person and it was true. She completes me.

She moved out of my arms for a minute and I felt the aching longing to take her in my arms again, hold her to my chest and never let her go. I was relieved when she didn=t leave me then. She took my head in her soft hands and leaned upon her tiptoes to kiss me on my forehead.

I caught her eye or perhaps she caught mine. Either way there was a sudden sizzle of tension between us. In all our years together we have had many moments of tension and this sizzle of electricity is nothing new to our relationship. This electricity, the one we were experiencing right now was new to us though. It was something that had never happened before. We had the sizzle of tension at the same time we had temptation, the chance to act upon this sizzle. That was what was new to us. My hands tightened on her neck and I slowly drew her toward me. My heart was beating louder than ever before. I was sure she could hear it. And perhaps she could. I like to think that our hearts were beating in a rhythm with each other. My mind was reeling but thoughts of doubt and worries were no where in sight. Those would come later. Never doubts about how I cared for her only if she felt the same and if I dared risk it. My blood was boiling with a new desire. Not so much a lust as a desire. I never knew there was a difference before Scully. Sure, I had felt lust towards Scully many times but this was different. Now I was feeling the desire to be a part of her, to close this final barrier between us. I could feel her warm skin beneath my touch. Well, maybe there was lust too. For a second I thought that maybe she would pull away, but then she seemed to relax and I could almost feel her lips upon mine. I had dreamed of this moment for years and now it was finally here. This was heaven. As close to heaven as I=ll ever get. And I finally let my lips graze hers, when-

The picture shattered. She pulled back with a squeak of pain. My mind was flooding with all the things I could say to apologize. I decided to go with the easiest.

AI=m sorry.@ My voice was low and I was filled with great disappointment. But the most influential feeling in my body was still my need for her, my love for her. I was afraid that I had really lost her this time. That there would be no speech to get her to stay. I remember thinking <If I hadn=t lost her before I sure as hell have now>. But that wasn=t it. I can never express the relief I felt when she said that she was stung. Disappointment filled me to the rim, but she didn=t hate me and she hadn=t just pulled away because she thought that we were making a mistake. That relief was however brief. Fear, stronger than before, flooded through me when she said something was wrong. The bees...Oh God. Those had been my thoughts.

Then when she was taken again, I felt so suddenly alone. I didn=t have time to cry this time. I was not going to let them take her away. Not again. Not after everything that has happened. After everything that we=d been through I was not going to let this stop us. And I didn=t. I got to her and I saved her. I had her back and I was not going to let her go again. Even after we got back to DC and I told her to leave, I still wanted-needed her to stay. And of course she did, because Dana Scully is my savior. And I suppose it was about time I told her.

The X-Files were reopened. Things went back to the way they were. But I couldn=t do it. I didn=t want to. After I felt heaven and held an angel in my arms, how was I supposed to go back? I couldn=t go back to being her partner and best friend after what happened between us. They say you can never go back and they are right, except when it comes to Scully. They obviously never met Dana Scully. How she did it I don=t even want to know. I could never do it. I would never even want to do it. She let it go. She pretended it never happened. She went back to where we had been before the fire. She forgot about what happened between us. She let go of that moment, that one moment in my life when things seemed to make sense. She let it go because it was one of the few moments in her life when she didn=t have control. I took hold of her and her heart and she had no control over herself. But God if she only knew the control she had over me. She could tell me to do anything and I would do it. All she would have to do is look at me the way she did in that hallway and I would be hers for life. Hell, I am hers for life anyway.

Well, this is where I made a mistake. I didn=t give her time. I know now that she needed time to think about what happened and what could still happen, but I couldn=t give it to her. Nothing has ever hurt me like her ignoring what happened in that hallway. She made it seem cheap and unimportant when I have never felt such clarity and sureness in my life as I did in that moment. I don=t mean to sound bitter, but hell, I am. I know what I should have done but I know that I could never have done it too. I still need her. I still want her. I will always love her. But this is why I will never have her.

A few weeks after the x-files were reopened

After a long day at work nothing is quite as nice as a strong drink. Well, I can think of a few things that would be nicer than a drink but she is still in denial so that=s pretty much out of the question. I smile a little bit at my own pitiful thought. It is not a pleasant smile or one you would ever like to see, but for some reason it seems to fit on my face well. That might be because it has been on my face for so long. No, truly it does not fit on my face. It hurts to feel the way I am, but pain is the last thing on my mind. I=m gonna have to say something soon. She isn=t accepting this anymore. Everyday she asks me if I am ok and everyday I say the same thing, AI=m fine, Scully@. Sound familiar? Perhaps that=s because those were the cursed words she spoke to me for years on end. The words AI=m fine, Mulder@ have come to mean anything but that to me. And so, perhaps that is why I say it. Maybe I say it in the hopes that she will understand that the last thing I am is fine. I am confused and hurting and scared and alone, but I am most certainly not fine. God, I sound so selfish. I know I do. She asks and I lie and then I get angry at her for not knowing that I=m lying. The truth is I am not mad at her for not knowing that I am not fine, I am angry at her for forgetting what happened. She has hurt me by forgetting and ignoring. I know I could never forget it....

I take another drink, hoping that maybe the alcohol will drowned out my thoughts for a minute. If I could just stop thinking for one second then maybe I could pretend like Scully. Maybe then I could pretend that this never happened. But that=s not what I want. I want her. I take another swallow and think that sadly this is not helping. I suddenly realize that someone is watching me. It is an unsettling feeling, but one I know well. I look around cautiously and awkwardly because I am beyond drunk now. There is a woman at the end of the bar and she is smiling at me. She stands up and walks towards me. She has mistaken my glance for an opening.

AHey,@ she says it like she knows me and for a minute I think that maybe she was a one night stand that I forgot I had. I have done a lot in the past to get my mind off Scully. Nothing I am particularly proud of.

I look up at her but say nothing. She is still smiling but I can already see her thinking over her decision to come sit by me in her mind.

ASo...You don=t look so great.@ Her voice is low and thick. Her words spur out from large red lips.

I mutter a thanks and take another drink, part of me hoping that she will be gone when I look beside me again and part of me hoping she will stay.

She laughs in the same low, thick voice she has when she speaks. ANo, I meant you look upset or something. Women troubles?@ I look at her again and her eyes tell me she could help me forget and for a moment I believe she could. But the moment passes as quickly as it came. Her hair is blond, she is too tall, her eyes are not the right color. Of course I have never seen that color in anyone else=s eyes. It might not even be the color. Perhaps it is just her eyes and everything that they radiate. In any case, the woman standing beside me is not Scully and even if I try to pretend it will never work. After you=ve been so close to an angel, nothing else will ever measure up.

I shake my head no and stand up to leave. After wobbling on my feet for a minute or two I walk towards the coat rack and grab my jacket. I put the coat on and stand there for a minute with my eyes closed. I tell myself it is to get my bearings but how can closing your eyes help you get your bearings? It has much more to do with the pounding in my head and the ache in my heart. I feel a warm hand on my neck and for a brief wonderful moment the vain thought that it might be her runs through my head. But even before I whip around to see who it is I know it isn=t her. She doesn=t smell like that and she doesn=t feel like that. I look at the woman who has now jumped back a foot or two from me. I stare at her for a moment and then I apologize.

ANo, I=m sorry.@ She insists. AI didn=t mean to startle you. I was just wondering if you=d like to...talk.@ Her tone told me that the last thing she wanted to do was talk.

I shook my head and stumbled out the door. The night was warm with a slight breeze making it seem incredibly nice. The flicker of a thought ran through my mind. The thought of taking a walk in the evening with someone